DEALING WITH THE FEELINGS THAT COME FROM A BREAK-UP

Let's take a look at the FEELINGS that come

from break-ups... and take away some new ideas and

lessons for GROWTH so that even if a relationship

doesn't fulfill your desires, it brings you closer

to finding the fulfillment and experiences you

want in the near future.

Here we go...

When a relationship ends, it's confusing and it hurts.

But, when a relationship ends and you didn't

want it to, that's a whole other story.

You can start thinking and acting all kinds of

crazy when this happens.

And sure, some of this "processing" and being

with your feelings is GOOD.... it's a natural part

of experiencing life and your own personal growth.

But, think about this...

If you look at it from another perspective,

you'll find that even though there are important

aspects of working through your feelings about a

break-up... a ton of what follows a break-up takes

lots of women EVEN FURTHER AWAY from what they're

looking for in a relationship in the first place -

LOVE and CONNECTION.

I mean isn't it, at the very least, important

to take away the LESSONS a relationship has to

teach you even if it doesn't "work out" in the end?

You obviously know the answer to this question.

Of course it's important to learn... Otherwise,

you're helping turn a relationship into a genuine

waste of your time, love and energy... which is

what lots of women fear in the first place when

they become close and intimate with a man in a

relationship and share their love.

But there's a difference between knowing the

answers of what to do... and LIVING it.

Over the years I've recognized that tons of

women DON'T learn to become more successful at

creating the kind of situations they want in the

future with a man as a result of the "failed"

situations with men.

In fact, instead of taking away positive

lessons for themselves from their past

relationships, they often use what's happened "to

them" as PROOF or EVIDENCE to support their own

negative and limiting beliefs about men and

relationships with them.

And, the more these beliefs about men and

relationships are reinforced, the more their own

thinking and behavior in each new situation with a

man becomes COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.

In other words, they actually start to push

away men on an automatic and subconscious level,

even though one of their deepest desires is to be

close, comfortable and emotionally connected with a man.

You probably know a few women like this...

women who become even more closed off, defensive,

fearful, or even bitter the more they live their

lives and "learn" from their experiences with men

and relationships.

Think about a woman you know like this right

now and picture her in your mind.

Now, I want you to think about what her basic

"mindset" is when it comes to men.

Reflect on how she's responded to men in the

past... and the meaning she makes of things that men do around

her.

And now, can you start to see the perspective

she has. The "filter" that everything she sees or

experiences with a man is run through?

Can you see how quickly she leads herself to

jump to the worst possible scenario each time she

interacts with a man and doesn't get all the

assurance, affection or CERTAINTY she wants or

thinks she needs?

What's going on here?

And how does her thinking, behavior and

reactions to men affect the way she related to

men, and how men see her?

I'm walking you through visualizing a woman you

know who's like this because I want you to step

outside these situations and start to OBSERVE

what's going on from a new perspective...

A perspective that will help you more easily

create the kinds of experiences with men that lead

to deeper levels of UNDERSTANDING (for you and the

man you're with)... and foster a deeper type of

EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.

So... the first thing I want to do here as

we're talking about break-ups and our thoughts and

feelings around them is to help you think through

a few of the most common EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES

that come up when a man chooses to break-up with a woman.

That way, you can be more CONSCIOUS and AWARE

of what's going on... avoid the shock, frustration

and surprise of not knowing what to expect... and

take away the lessons that each dating situation

or relationship has to teach you.

So... let's start with how break-ups can make you FEEL.

Here are a few different feelings a break-up

can bring into your life:

- You might feel ABANDONED, since you felt a bond

and had a commitment with a man, and then he went

against that and went away in a way that left you

feeling like he didn't care for you at all

- You might experience REJECTION because he chose

not to be with you... or to be with someone else

- You might have a sense of EMPTINESS that comes

from not having the love, affection, connection

and sharing in your life that used to be there

- You might feel the ANXIETY that often comes from

being completely uncertain about your future and

if you'll ever find someone to love and love you back

- You might develop a strong FEAR that you're ALONE

and that you'll never have a real, loving, and

lasting relationship... EVER

Any of these sound familiar?

These are some common things you might go

through as a result of a break-up.

Now, most people say that you've got to give

yourself time to get over a relationship... and to

be with the feelings you have to get over the

relationship... and on one level, I agree.

But, this is common wisdom. You already know this.

Everyone knows you need to give yourself time

and space to get over a past relationship.

What I want to share with you that's NOT so

obvious, is something CRITICAL to know when you go

through this kind of break-up.

It's a kind of dangerous "side-effect" that

comes from the intense feelings that follow a

break-up. (Remember how you pictured a woman who

took only negative lessons from each situation with a man?)

And, I can't tell you how many women (and men)

fall into this COUNTERPRODUCTIVE trap that pushes

them even further from their strong "emotional

center"... and makes it even harder for them to

find and create a healthy relationship in their near future.

Let me explain the story of how this dangerous

break-up "side-effect" comes about...

It all starts with the emotional experiences

you have when a man breaks up with you.

These feelings and emotions can be so intense

that your focus can become COMPLETELY FIXATED on

what was WRONG in the relationship.

You ask yourself the following questions over and over...

Why is he acting this way, and what's wrong with him?

What does all this mean about what was wrong

with our relationship from the start?

What did I do wrong? Did I choose the wrong

kind of guy? And should I never have become

involved with him or trusted him in the first place?

Where did it go wrong? Since it used to be so

good... and now I can't understand how all that

just disappeared.

You spend hours, maybe even days or weeks,

analyzing these questions... trying to figure out

what happened with the man and why you didn't see

it coming, and thinking about how this all could

have been avoided... and how to never have it happen again.

I'm sure you've seen a girlfriend of yours in

this state... or even yourself.

And, here's where these difficult questions

start to create this negative "side-effect"...

With your intense focus on all the things that

were WRONG, you take all the qualities, problems

and shortcomings you come up with about the man

who broke up with you... and you decide that these

are THE things that were missing and were to blame

for the break-up and failure of the relationship.

And, so what do you do?

You're so hurt and intent on not having the

same thing happen to you ever again that you

promise to never be with a guy like this one again...

And, you turn your attention and consciousness

in your love life towards finding a guy who is as

far from what your "ex" was like as possible.

And, that's when you start making the mistake of

confusing Cause and Effect when it comes to what

was at fault for your past relationship "failure"...

Mistake #1 - You start looking for a man who HAS

ALL the qualities you found from your break-up

that your "ex" was missing.

For example, if your "ex" wasn't a very

"feminine" man, in that he didn't like to explore

his FEELINGS on a deep level in conversation with

you... you look for a man who is VERY much this way.

Mistake #2 - Looking for a man who HAS NONE of the

qualities your ex had. (This is the flip-side of

the coin from Mistake #1)

For example, if you're "ex" was independent and

very confident, you might look for a man who isn't

this way... thinking this will make your

relationship work next time around, and help you

avoid the same painful experience.

After all, things went so wrong with this last

guy that it must be the way he was... and if you

find a guy who's the opposite of all the "ex" was,

then things are bound to work better.

Of course, when we take on thinking and

behavior that these mistakes involve, it really

seems like a logical plan...

If a relationship doesn't work with one guy and

there were problems with him, then it makes sense

to look for a guy who's VERY different from your

"ex"... maybe even the opposite.

But, here's where this only hurts you...

If you begin to consciously look for a guy

who's the opposite of your ex, or who doesn't have

a certain quality you want to avoid, then you're

bound to make a big mistake.

And the mistake will most often look like

ending up dating a new guy with very few of the

numerous GOOD QUALITIES that your ex had that you

liked or loved and worked for you both...

But, you probably WILL find a guy who has a few

very specific behaviors and personality traits

that you think you need this time around to make it finally work.

In other words, you're bound to find a guy who

doesn't have much, if any, of the qualities that

made part of your last relationship WORK. (Of

course it's very hard for you to look back at the

relationship now that it's ruined and see the GOOD

in the guy you were with.)

Odds are you're going to find a guy who really

only has the qualities that you are looking for IN

REACTION or response to your previous situation.

And, you're probably wise enough to know by now,

if you're reading this, that making decisions in

response to FEAR and PAIN is almost GUARANTEED to

make your life more difficult in the long run.

If you get where I'm going with this, then you

already know a few important lessons in life -

For starters, you know that looking for the

things you couldn't get or share with your jerk of

an ex-boyfriend is NOT going to get you what you want.

And, now that we've covered some of the "inner

stuff" to avoid about break-ups that will help you

stay in a better place and get you back on track

faster with men... let's talk about taking the

next steps as you start to move on.

                                                 
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THE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE OF A BREAK-UP... AND THE

GIFTS TO TAKE FROM IT FOR YOUR FUTURE LOVE LIFE

AND RELATIONSHIP

over the years, I've seen that lots of women

have come to believe, even if they don't really

see that they do, that relationships end because of the man.

Or that relationships would work well if men

would just learn what women knew about them.

And yeah, I get that for lots of women, the

majority of the relationships they've seen end

around them have all the tell-tale signs of being

the man's fault... as men can do things that are destructive.

And so, in many senses they're right.

But, there's more to it if you're looking for

more than the knowledge that a break-up is a man's "fault".

Especially if your goal, or the RESULTS you

want in your life, aren't about placing BLAME...

but LEARNING and GROWING in a way that will help

you find more emotional fulfillment in your life,

and create a real, lasting relationship.

In other words, if you can learn to look at

what happens in relationships and break-ups to

learn what actually WORKS... rather than focusing

your attention and energy on identifying what

DOESN'T WORK, and the painful reasons why... then

you're going to start to transform your mind...

and your love life too.

But, for some women, trying to shut out what

they don't want in their relationship becomes

their main "strategy".

I can't tell you how much of a waste of time

this is for a woman looking to find a real,

loving, lasting relationship.

You know, it's funny how most of our minds

work...

I realized 3 or 4 years ago that most of the

people around me, including myself, know a whole

lot about exactly WHAT'S WRONG in the world and in relationships.. and about what we DON'T WANT others to think, do and say with us...

But, most of us have no earthly idea what we DO

WANT... and more importantly, how to go about

getting what we want for ourselves. (Or showing or

teaching someone else how to give us what it is

that we DO WANT.)

It's then that I realized that NOT WANTING

something (being unhappy with the way things are)

has NOTHING AT ALL to do with figuring out how to

get the things you DO WANT. (Actually creating

them.)  Read that again and think about it for a minute.

Ok...

How does this apply to what you spend your time

and energy on, in your love life and with a man?

Do you think about, worry about and spend your

time and energy "analyzing" how to avoid what it

is that you don't want?

Or do you think through exactly what it is that

you want... and consider what that means to the

OTHER PERSON that you want it from... and put

yourself in their shoes to think about how to help

them give it to you in a way that will also make

them happy and fulfilled with you?

Take a deep breath right now and sit up

straight with your back arched and your shoulders back.

Now, take another deep breath in... then out.

Good.

To make a long story short... most of us, and

most women in relationships with men, use a few

"weak strategies" involving this idea of not

knowing what we want... and not thinking through

how to help another person who isn't in our heads

give or share what we want, when even we don't

know exactly what it is or how to have it.

This exact problem of not knowing how to share

what it is that we specifically want... and

knowing how to ask another person, given their own

set of perspectives, feelings, and desires makes

it so that tons of women are RARELY able to find or

create the kinds of experiences and relationships

they're looking for with men.

Here are a few examples of these "weak

strategies" that I'm referring to when it comes to

trying to create the situations that will give us

what we want emotionally and in our relationships:

- Using "trial and error". You try to fit in as

many new conversations, interactions and ways of

being as possible, hoping that something will

eventually just work - but you have no idea what

that thing will be since you've never found it

before.

- "Selfish Love". Trying to convince a man that the

answer to what will make him feel happy and

fulfilled in his relationship with you, is to

simply do more of the things that you know make

you happy and feel love and connection.

- After feeling unappreciated, or that a man isn't

really paying attention to or understanding you,

you get frustrated and tired and stop giving much

of yourself... and you don't want to put yourself

out there for him anymore just to help him to see

what he should already see... effectively making

it so that you're depending on him to guess what

you want and give it to you in the way you want it.

Now... what do all these "weak strategies"

have in common? And why am I having you spend time

reflecting on them and how they relate to you and

your love life?

Because they all show how BAD most of us are at

creating the experiences, connections and

"exchanges" we want with other people.

Especially with those of the OPPOSITE SEX.

So, what's one of the greatest gifts you can

take away from your break-up or "failed" relationship?

More CONSCIOUSNESS, LEARNING and GROWTH.

And, of course, making things work much, much

better for you the next time around when you're ready.

And, so how do you start to really do this?

One clear way I'm taking you through is looking

at the strategies that you've used in the past

that didn't work... or that even made things WORSE.

The tough reality is that most of us fall back

on the same negative or "weak" strategies in our

relationships again and again... even though we

think we're in a different relationship and things aren't the same.

That's why becoming CONSCIOUS of your own love

related strategies is a great first step towards

CHANGE and IMPROVEMENT in your love life after a

break-up.

And, it's that kind of "negative" analyzing we

talked about earlier that leaves you without

RESULTS and instead you have more fear, less

confidence and create FALSE conclusions about men

and relationships.