Understanding your children
Q. I’m a single mother. I have three children, Caitlin, 7,Tom, 9 and Liam aged 11. I don’t have problems with Cait, but the two
boys are making life difficult. Tom apparently behaves well at school,
but has learning problems. When he gets home he often throws temper
tantrums. Liam acts as if he hates me. He doesn’t show me any affection
and is extremely rude. Tom’s dad died when he was a baby, and Liam’s
father doesn’t visit him. I need to find out what I’m doing wrong,
since I’m so stressed all of the time.
A. I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. We all expect
parenting to be mostly fun. The first thing you must do is to stop
blaming yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, including you, but that
doesn’t matter. What does matter is the course of action you take from
now on.
Your daughter is doing well - so you must be doing something
right as a mum! It is also good news that your younger son is doing
well at school. If he is able to settle down and work, even though he
has learning difficulties, that is very encouraging. However, you might
want to check with the school about how much he is struggling there, as
it may be that he is bringing his frustrations home.
It’s most likely that both boys miss having their dads around.
This is a hard problem to tackle. The youngest probably finds life
easier since "a dead dad is better than a non-caring one". That’s
because he isn’t actually being rejected. You can’t do anything about
the other dad except to be honest with your son. It isn’t a good idea
to either defend or criticize him. If you make excuses for him your boy
will take it as you being on the dad’s side. If you say negative things
about him then the child will want to defend him, since he is his dad.
Remember that you cannot change the children. You can only
change yourself. So, in what ways could you be different that would
make life more peaceful for yourself? Surprisingly, if you can find
ways to be more positive yourself, it will probably result in the kids
also being more positive. Conversely, if you always do what you’ve
always done, you will always get what you’ve always got.
Above all, believe in yourself and your children. Look to the
future instead of the past, and decide how you want to be. Think only
of the positive, rather than of what you don’t want. Instead of
worrying, think about the happy outcomes to come. You won’t get there
in a day, but watch those baby steps. They will add up and take you to
your destination. Improvement will take some effort, but so does your
present life. You will get there if you remain determined.
Dr. Noel Swanson has written what is probably one of the the best parenting books, The Good Child Guide,’ so if you could do with some tips for dealing with your children it would be well worth a visit.
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