Dating After Divorce
Or Relationship Breakup
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***QUESTION FROM A READER***
I am at the end of long long divorce settlement - (18 months) I started dating about six months after our split -- meeting most on the internet- Found I was naturally using some cocky and funny but accelerated when I started getting your newsletter.
Meeting them and lining them up has been no problem-but once we are intimate --they want exclusivity--I can't know what I want yet (except sex)--but don't want some of the good ones to get away--I keep hearing "you want your cake and eat it too!!"
Also---had one I was dating recently--wanted to know about anybody and everyone else I was seeing ---said the openness was good for a relationship.
I'm glad you wrote in because I think that this is a topic that is near and dear to a lot of single men. And, even though I have not been married myself, I know what it's like to be in a relationship for a couple of years and then all of a sudden be single again... and I know what it's like to start over again.
You have brought up some great points here, so let's see if I can add some insight. First, I think that it's pretty natural for a guy who has just ended a long term relationship to feel rather "naked" when it comes to women and dating.
Often times, there are problems and drama when two people break up, and sometimes you even have jealousy and other issues to deal with. So, one of the most important things to do when you're "getting back into the swing of things" is to remember that things will improve with time. It might take you a few weeks or months after you start dating again to feel like "you're back". You might even feel a little needy and lonely, which I also think is natural after breaking up with someone to whom you were very close.
A critical mistake to avoid is TURNING INTO A NEEDY WUSS AND TRYING TO WIN YOUR EX BACK... OR TURNING INTO A NEEDY WUSS AND TRYING TO WIN ANY WOMAN.
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Now, it doesn't sound to me like this is your problem but, I think that something like this might be part of one of your problems.
Whatever... I'll just keep talking and you'll figure out what I'm saying. You probably had been in your relationship for at least a few YEARS. When you're in a relationship for this long, I think that guys naturally start behaving differently than they would if they were just dating a woman. It's natural and expected that you're going to see your spouse every day, sleep with her every night (I said sleep with, not have sex with... I know, I know)... and generally be "around" all the time .
Well, when you start DATING a woman, one of the >KEY factors that she looks at to decide whether or not you're going to be "relationship" material is HOW MUCH TIME YOU SPEND TOGETHER. I'm going to bet that these women you're meeting who want to be "exclusive" with you, are responding that way because you're spending A LOT of time with them.
If you're only interested in dating and not in forming a relationship, then try this: ONLY SEE HER ONCE A WEEK... TWICE AT THE MOST. And only call her once or twice a week as well. This should solve your "I want to be exclusive" problem. Women tend to get into "relationship mode" when you start ACTING like you're already in one. And a big part of that is how often you see her.
If you only see her once a week or so, a woman
will sense, on a deep level, that you're not ready
to "settle down" with her, and that you're busy
doing other things and PROBABLY dating other
Next, you mentioned that you were dating a
woman and she wanted to know about every other
woman you were seeing, and that "the openness
would be good for the relationship".
AHHH, THE "R" WORD AGAIN!
I wasn't there when she said it, so I can't be
sure, but my guess is that what she meant was "The
openness would be good for ME because I want to
know", and NOT that it would be good for the
This is subtle, but see if you can follow me. You said that you disagreed (with a question mark, which to me means that you'd like to know whether or not I agree with you disagreeing). I'd like to know HOW you disagreed, personally. A lot of guys come across as weak when they disagree because they just sound either argumentative or insecure - or even worse, like they're trying to hide something. If a woman said to me, "Tell me about all the other women you're seeing. I think it would be good for the relationship" I'd probably say: "Whose relationship are you talking about?" ...and then I'd laugh.
Or I might say, "I don't kiss and tell" then smile at her. In any case, I would NOT communicate in a way that says "I'm uncomfortable" or "I'm going to give you what you want so you like me". You have to remember that a woman is going to test your limits at ALL TIMES. And it never ends. If you kiss up to a woman and give her what she's asking in the moment, she probably won't respect you in the LONG TERM because she knows that she can get whatever she wants from you.
So, if you answer a question like this by
1) Telling her what she wants to know, even
though you don't WANT to tell her...
2) Telling her that you disagree in a way that
makes her think that you're trying to hide
...then she's going to feel like she "has
something on you" and that she can get her way
with you in the future.
Or she might just up and leave because she
feels like you're seeing other women AND trying to
I know, isn't it all so complex?
My personal perspective on this topic is that a
man and woman should typically wait at LEAST a few
months before getting into any kind of
And if I'm dating a woman and she asks me if I'd like to get into a relationship, and if I'm seeing other women, I'll answer something like this: "First of all, I don't think it's a good idea for a man and woman to have a RELATIONSHIP relationship until after they've known each other for AT LEAST 3-6 months. One of the reasons why a lot of relationships end so BADLY is because the two people didn't take the time to get to know each other first. Also, I think it's a bad idea to talk about other people that you're seeing during that time because almost nothing good can come of it" - and I leave it at that. As you can probably tell, I really believe this. Again, it's crucial that you don't answer a question like this in a way that is defensive or argumentative. If you do, you'll risk being rejected for being sneaky or dishonest. To sum up, it sounds to me like you're probably used to being in a close relationship, and you're ACTING like you're in a relationship with these women that you're just dating. When you do this, a woman will start to feel those "relationship" emotions and start asking questions and behaving like she's your girlfriend.
If you lean back a little, if you don't see a woman more than once or twice a week, and if you stop behaving in a way that says "we're in a relationship now", then the women will get it. They'll pick up on your body language and communication and stop acting like girlfriends or wives. ...and if you've just come out of a relationship and you need to "get your game back", then I HIGHLY recommend that you check out my online eBook and my Advanced Dating Techniques series.
There's no better or faster way to get your act together and start getting dates with the kinds of women you'd like to date. Often, the end of a relationship is a "second chance" to date women who are more compatible with you or who are more physically attractive. I've found that men who have been in relationships for several years, often find AMAZING insights when they review my materials because they can RELATE to everything so well. It's a lot easier to see where you've made mistakes in the past, and it's a lot easier to see what you need to do with other women in order to be successful. My very best product is my Advanced Dating CD/DVD Program. It's jam packed with over 12 full hours of me teaching live, including a companion workbook. You will learn literally HUNDREDS of great ideas for meeting, dating and getting physical with women. You can go and watch my great new set of video preview clips and get all the details here: Opt Into Receive These FREE Newsletters from EliteMate
And if you haven't read my eBook "Double Your Dating", then you need to do that NOW. It's my original manual for success with women and dating, and it's the place to get started if you want to take your success with women to the next level.
You can download it at:
I'll talk to you again soon!
And I'll talk to you again soon.