David Wygant is known
around the country as an expert dating agent and success coach. His
advice has reached millions via major programs such as MTV's MadeandSex2k,
Dateline NBC, CBS Good Morning, ABC
News, and Starting Over.
His words appear frequently in newspapers across the country such as
The USA Today, The Los Angeles
The Boston Globe,
and in magazines such as New York Magazine, Men's
and Marie Claire.
His voice is heard almost daily on radio stations in every major market
from Los Angeles to Miami and to date has appeared on over 2000 radio
shows worldwide. He is also the author of the book, Always Talk To Strangers.
Each week he is contacted by top magazines and newspapers about his opinions on
dating and relationships. Today he is writing for the hottest online
matchmaking service in the world
When I sat down to write my
new book, Always Talk to Strangers: Three Simple Steps to Finding the Love of
Your Life, I had one thing in mind--to get men and women back on the same page
when it came to meeting each other. As a dating agent who actually works with
men and women on a daily basis, as opposed the inexperienced authors of chick
lit that have become bestsellers, nothing frustrates me more than hearing women
talk about the mind games they think they must play to get a man's attention.
Women, let this article serve as a wakeup call. There is no mind game, rule, or
trick that can make a man truly fall for you. You've been sold a bill of goods!
In famous books like The Rules and He's Just Not that Into You, the authors
espouse the coy technique, i.e., the more you act like you don't care about a
guy, the more he'll fall for you. Is it true? The answer--a resounding no. So why
does this technique seem to work so often? The reason--men are not falling in
love with you, they're falling in love with your unavailability. Most people are
attracted to things they can't have. If someone acts like they don't need you or
want you, or that they are unattainable, suddenly they become a challenge. This
is Psychology 101. Think about it. How much would you love the guy you have a
crush on if instead of him being a challenge, he was staring at you all day,
enamored, completely at your beckon call, worshiping your every word and move.
Might be fun for a while, but eventually you'd lose interest in him?
The problem for most women who use the "coy" technique comes when you they can
longer keep up the emotionally unavailable charade. At some point they have to
let down their guard, be themselves, become vulnerable, and see if the man
accepts them for who they are or see if he heads for the door. Most of the time
if a man is not ready for a relationship, or a woman is no longer emotionally
unavailable, he's heading for the door.
Contrary to popular belief, men are not one dimensional creatures. Most men
don't simply sit around with their friends grunting and burping like
Neanderthals. As a matter of fact, you'd probably be surprised to know that most
men talk very openly with their friends about their feelings toward women, about
love, and about their emotions. In addition, most men are very aware of their
own issues with intimacy and commitment, and most of the time they know when
they are ready to confront these issues, and make a go of it with a woman.
Ladies, here is what you need to know, and all ye ever need to know if you're
going to have a meaningful substantive relationship with any man. First, you
must have good conversation, must enjoy each other's company, and must connect
on a spiritual and intellectual level. Second, you must have physical
attraction. Attraction is subjective and it can't be forced, no matter what your
other dating book says. Third, both of you must be ready to attempt intimacy and
commitment with one another. For both men and women, this comes at different
times in life. Some people are ready for long term intimacy and commitment at
eighteen, some at forty-eight, and some are never capable of it, or are simply
not willing to do the work that it takes to achieve it. Fourth, you both must be
willing to accept that love is not just about being hot and bothered for one
another. In all relationships where two people are both emotionally and
physically available to one another, initial feelings of passionate lust
eventually wear off. This happens at different times depending on the couple.
When this happens, you begin to regain part of your identity and it's at this
point where the real work of a relationship begins. Often, this work is called
Stop looking for easy answers to life's most complex and challenging issues.
There is no mind game that will bring you real satisfaction and a lifetime of
fulfillment. Instead of trying to figure out ways to manipulate men into loving
you, spend time becoming the best person you can be and get proactive with your
dating life. Meet as many men as possible until you find a natural meaningful
connection with someone who is also willing to make a real attempt at intimacy
and commitment. Believe me, they are out there. However, this much I
guarantee--as long as you stereotype men and underestimate their intelligence and
their complexity, you will never find a meaningful experience with one. And as
long as you continue to buy into pop theories of attraction, you will
continually be chasing your own tail.
anything around you that help you to start a conversation. By using whatever is
around you, it becomes much easier to establish contact with someone. You can
ask questions, share points of reference, whatever you need to do to get the
conversation rolling. Props work the same way that a "conversation piece" works
in your living room. They can be used either as something to draw attention or
as something to go back to when you have nothing else to talk about.
way, they take off a huge amount of pressure. Because it's no longer just you
and the other person. Now it's you and the other person and something to
talk about, which makes the whole process a lot less charged.
the number one, most useable tool in your arsenal when it comes to meeting
people. Best of all, they don't even need to be your props. If someone
has a great dog, go pet the dog. "What's the name of your dog?" If someone in
a cafe has a newspaper, you can ask, "Do you mind if I read that section when
you're done?" On an airplane, ask to borrow a pen. At a diner, ask someone if
you can borrow the salt from their table. In a bank line, you can even use the
lack of customer service on the part of the tellers as a prop. Why? Because
it gives you something to talk about! And that's what props are for.
remove the most difficult part of starting a conversation. You don't have to be
clever. You don't have to be funny. You don't need to use a pick-up line. All
you need to do is be open to your environment and find something to talk about.
Get the ball rolling. Anybody can do it. It doesn't matter if you short, fat,
bald, whatever. Start using the props around you and you can meet someone
I asked an
acquaintance of mine why he had never taken a lover. The gentleman
replied, "Well, I guess I just never met the right gal; I guess I've been
looking for the perfect one." "Oh, come on now, " I said, "Surely you've dated
at least one woman who was a real keeper." "Well, yes, there was a lady - -
once. I guess she was a true winner; the only perfect woman I really ever met.
She was just the right...everything, a perfect 10. I mean, she was
unquestionably the absolute one for me."
didn't you marry her?" I queried. Begrudgingly he replied, "Unfortunately, she
was looking for the perfect man!"
Lesson 1: Nobody is perfect. If you are putting your love life on hold while
you search for Ms. or Mr. Perfect you are setting yourself up for membership
emeritus in the Lonely Hearts Club. No matter how long the list of redeeming
qualities may be, each of us has flaws.
One of the
first steps in attracting a healthy, long-term relationship is being clear about
which flaws you can live with in a partner and which you cannot. Get clear on
your relationship "non-negotiables" and the flow of desirable dating partners
may seem to magically open to you.
reality, there is nothing magical about this phenomenon. Great sketch artists
know that the secret to drawing accurately is not about focusing on the shape of
the object itself, but rather on the space that surrounds the object. Drawing
that shape assists the artist in maintaining accurate perspective. Hmmm!
When we encounter someone
with characteristics that "hook" us emotionally ("He's sooo perfect for me!"),
we tend to lose our perspective. Under this spell of infatuation the tendency
is to exaggerate all of Mr. Wonderful's positive characteristics and to ignore
or grossly discount the not-so-flattering ones ("Oh, he's just being cute!").
You know the drill: initial euphoria soon gives way to disillusionment and
hurt. This is not to say that we should steer away from a potential partner who
puts stars in our eyes. On the contrary, this experience is to be relished and
enjoyed - - in perspective. Just be honest with yourself about the qualities
and characteristics you prefer in a romantic partner vs. the ones that are
non-negotiable. Then, make a conscious decision to not compromise on the later
before you invest your heart.
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To Whom It May
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